


Instead of Cookies and Milk...

by randylahey5446



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-08 15:06:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8849653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randylahey5446/pseuds/randylahey5446
Summary: Thanks to a certain someone, Bendot has to portray Santa Claus and go to people's homes to deliver presents. Things get out of hand on his last stop, and things get ugly.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [DungeonInspector](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DungeonInspector/pseuds/DungeonInspector) in the [HunterXHunterChristmas2016](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/HunterXHunterChristmas2016) collection. 



"FUCK! Godamn fucking narrow ass chimneys and my fat gut!" moaned Bendot (the guy in trick tower who was supposed to fight Tonpa before he pussed out because Tonpa is a fucking jackass because fuck that guy), forced to portray Santa Claus as his jail sentence for his many crimes.

Back in trick tower, his advisors noticed a significant amount of aura coming from him before what was supposed to be his fight with Tonpa, so the Hunter association decided to do a water divination test on him.

He made the water taste like Sprite, so he was a transmuter.

After many negotiations and compromises, Bendot was granted some freedoms out of expressed interest of being a Hunter: he cannot kill anyone (unless if it was self defense or it was ordered by the association to do so), he has to devote a good portion of his time helping out the staff of Greed Island with miscellaneous tasks (the staff for the game is closely affiliated with the association and it was a good place for convicts like Razor to do something productive other than to rot in their cells), many other things, and he would have to do this damned gag every year for the rest of his life (or at least until he gets a triple star status).

But he cannot roam outside his cell without serious supervision from the association. The association even tried to volunteer Kurapika to put a nen blade in his heart that he will not commit anymore crimes. But that was only an excuse for the association to be lazy and not supervise in the mist of this, "tom foolery" around Christmas time.

So Kurapika declined.

Instead of the nen blade, they forced him to set a condition that he will transmute all of his aura into body fat when he did this and he couldn't harm anyone innocent, otherwise, idk, his dick exploded.

So he agreed to these terms, and decided to be Santa Claus for one night a year.

Bendot loved to get some freedom, but Partison is just a cheeky bastard for coming up with the idea. Partison just loves pushing peoples buttons to the point to the buttons would breach internal organs and start to form ulcers from the amount of irritation piled up from Partison's button pushing tactics.

In other words, Bendot had to learn the hard way of how much of a dick-wad Partison was.

Another condition was set up so he could only enter houses in which people knew how to use nen and have residents that have some sort of association with the Hunter's Association. This was so if he did do anything mischievous or threatening, the home dwellers could defend themselves easily.

Bendot was walking around the living room, looking for a good place to put the presents. Of course the sack was powered by nen and had the ability to somewhat read the receivers mind and give out presents that the person would desire. A variety of gifts including jewels, television sets, computers, vases, and occasionally, even childs gifts.

* * *

Bendot was struggling to find a present out of the sack to the point where a few minutes past were nothing showed up. This usually happened when somebody had an "bad heart" or has done corrupt things. After a few minutes, coal would show up and it was to either leave it unwrapped by the tree, or get out of the house. But the appearance of the coal depended if the coal was to any threat to Bendot or not. If the coal showed up immediately, that means he should gtfo asap rocky and book it the fuck out of there (that's why the Zoldyck family didn't get anything for Christmas that year...I mean Killua and Alluka of course because let's face it, they're adorable. But the rest of their family is overall pretty fucked in the head).

There was no real threat here, so he decided to sit down in the living room to take a short breather after working all night. It was 6:00 am at this point, ad his was his last stop. He made about a couple hundred stops, being drained of his his aura at each and every stop. Instead of having a magical sled and a dozen reindeer with him, he had a nen powered remote that took him to certain coordinates whenever he was done with one home to take him to the next.

His form of transportation was in the form of a nen powered remote that just took him to certain marked coordinates, and just took him to the next stop were ever he was supposed to go. It was exhausting though because each travel forced him to use a great deal of Zestu, which taxed his body over time.

Because there was no rush and he wasn't supposed to be back for another hour, he decided to take a breather and looked around his kitchen. The association mentioned something about not harming, vandalizing, or stealing anything of value, but nothing said about getting one little thing to eat. Hell, he might even grab a cold one if he so desires it.

He had more than enough money to pay back what he took, so he left what was probably a weeks worth of rent and went browsing for a little something on the go. But little to his luck, most of it was just unappetizing healthy things like nuts, raisons, granola bars, and all the sort. There were some cold cuts in the fridge, but only enough for one meal.

Bendot wouldn't be that cruel to take away the rest of his deli meats, but he will commandeer a beer or two...which he didn't even have.

BUT he had the next best thing: Sprite. Bendot loved Sprite, and Sprite loved Bendot. He even reminisces on one his first encounter with Partison.

* * *

The Hunter's Association was very kind to Bendot when he was considering to make some life changes for himself. They helped teach him nen, prepare him for the Association, and gave him some jobs to get his mind off his prison life. They still worked him like a dog and didn't let him slack off, but they helped give him a sense of purpose and community that he lacked all of his life.

So they even invited him to a small office party with plenty of the associations elites to reward him for his hard worked. Among them included a couple of the Zodiacs, a few double and triple star Hunters, and some high ranking government officials along them as well.

After socializing with the likes of people he thought he would never encounter, he found himself alone for a bit, and scanned around the room for a conversation. While doing so, he found himself by the icebox with two canned beverages left: a can of Sprite, or a can of Bud Light.

He hesitated for a moment because it was basically choosing between truly being himself, or keeping his pride. Before he went to protect his pride, Partison was right there preventing him front getting it.

"Oh! You must be Bendot!"

"Yeah that's me, how's it going,"

"Going great, everything's great! Looks like you're going for the last Bud Light," Partison suspected, figuratively moving his first chess piece in the conversation.

"Yeah, wanna fight about it tough guy?"

"Hahaha, such a kind gesture, I was just going to ask you if you wanted a Sprite instead?" Partison asked, setting up a trap for his victim to call under. Before Bendot could respond, Partison came closer to him so that he could speak him privately.

"I'm the vice chairman of the Hunter's Assosiation, so based off of your reports, I know you _love_ Sprite," Partison whispered seductively.

"What? You're a crazy man if you think that I'm going to pass up a beer for a Sprite, at least not in a setting like this _,"_

"Alright, I'm a crazy man, but I know you love Sprite. It's even documented in your personal records about your fondness with Sprite, after all, I know about the taste of the water in the divination test,"

"You got me, you got me. But you still can't force me to drink that Sprite," Bendot said, grabbing the Bud Light can, but is interrupted from opening it by the following monologue by Partison himself.

"Whoa, let's get one thing strait: I'd never tell you to drink Sprite, even if I was in a advertising for Sprite, which I'm not, but if I were, which I am, and even if you were being advertised to by me, which you are, but I still wouldn't tell you to drink it. No matter what the Hunter's Association told me about you, I'm still not going to tell you to drink it. Even if you're just eating tacos with extra hot sauce, and you were holding that extra cold Sprite, and for some reason you were waiting for me to tell you to drink it, I still wouldn't tell you to drink it. But I'll ask you; wanna Sprite?" Partison finished, holding up the Sprite to his face and giving him the cheekiest smile that his face can handle.

Bendot declined of course, but it was one hell of a first impression.

* * *

It wasn't for too long after that, Partison put him up for this ridiculous gig, which is probably just his way of getting even for that incident.

Anyway, he was all alone in this person's one bedroom apartment, and holding an untampered Sprite can.

"You know what...I'll just have one," Bendot said to himself, opening the can as quietly as possible. He opens it, and starts to gulp down that tasty, crisp, refreshing Sprite as he felt all of his worries overwhelmed by the refreshing feeling of Sprite going down his throat.

Complete, and total bliss.

He noticed a couple of other Sprites in the fridge, as he wrote out a note on the table and left some money on top of it. Then continued to drink, as he took a seat on the couch and closed his eyes to take in the moment.

 _Ahhhh, this is the life. Second chances are really neat, aren't they? One moment, you're stuck inside a rigid cell wondering were it all wrong and you feel like a societal outcast for being the freak you are, the next you are being loved for the freak that you are by the world's elties. It's funny, I wasn't good enough for normal society, but I was good enough for the Hunter's Association. Talk about the irony_ Bendot thought to himself, downing his first Sprite and going to the next.

 _Life is just so much better, it's great! Sure they still work me like a dog, and despite the occasional special treatment, I'm still being punished for what I did. Not gonna lie, I'm more exhausted than I ever been in my life, but it's worth it! Learning nen, granted permission to take the Hunter Exam this winter, working with my teacher Morel, I'm surprised he never judged me despite the person I was. He treats me like any one of his students, it's amazing actually. Man, I'm at a loss of words right now, my mind gets blown up just trying to think about it_ Bendot continued in his thoughts, ignoring the intense rumbling in his stomach.

 _Cheers! To the Hunter's Association and their incredible hospitality over the last two years_ Bendot silently toasted, raising his can in the air before downing it.

All of a sudden, he felt as though the bottom half of his body was going to explode. The rumbling got exponentially worse, and felt an unwelcoming aura go into his body.

 _...what the hell_ he thought, trying to get up, almost had to sit back down because of the sheer force that was going through his body. There was only one conclusion to why he is feeling this way: he has been poisoned.

 _What kind of asshole puts laxatives in their Sprite?!_ he mumbled, doubting if he could make it to the bathroom before it was too late. He tried to focus his aura in his stomach, so he could force the continents from escaping. What made this even more difficult was that it felt as though the laxative was infused with nen, making the matter worse than it had to be. To add on top of that, Bendot didn't have his muscular build like normal, but this quirky body instead that couldn't handle the slightest bit of confrontation without breaking down.

It was too late for Bendot, for he vomited all over the couch and shit his britches. Badly. In other words; Bendot was fucked.

The resident flung open his bedroom door and was freaked out at what he saw; Santa Claus vomiting and shitting all over his furniture, while crying out to god to stop messing around and just kill him already.

"What the FUCK!?"

"...I'm from the Hunt-," he vomited again and shitted himself again before continuing. "Hunter Association, I was assigned to this, I drank some of your Sprite, but I left a lot of mone-,"

"GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!"

"I'm sorry about the mess, but I gotta ask, WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCK PUTS LAXADIVES IN THIER SODA?!"

"I DO YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSNIESS BEFORE I BREAK YOUR FUCKING NECK!" The man yelled, as Bendot vomited violently all over his rug.

"MY RUG! MY FUCKING RUG! YOU OWE ME A FUCKING RUG!"

"I'm sorry man...I just, I'll pay for it, uhhh, there's a lot of money on the table, use that. That rug really tied the room together, I'm sorry, _Tonpa!"_

"What?"

"Bye asshole!!" Bendot yelled, leaving Tonpa's living room filled with vomit and shit.

Moral of the story: fuck Tonpa.


	2. Gon and Santa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gon's encounter with Santa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a little bonus chapter for everyone! This was originally written with the first too chapter, but it's too long and it was too distracting to the main gag. So it's here instead.

Gon stood there puzzled while starring at a deranged obese man in his mid 50's, trying to give him a teddy bear.

"Hey, uhh, Gon right?"

"...yeah, who are you?"

"I'm Santa Claus and I'm here to give you presents!"

"...ummm, okay?"

"Do like teddy bears my child?!"

"...ummm, what?"

"What's wrong my child? Is there something bothering you?"

"Yeah, you just broke into my house and now you're offering me a teddy bear like I'm some naïve child," Gon retorted aggressively. Out of frustration, Bendot lowers his body to Gon's height, and leans in on his face to start whispering.

"Listen and listen closely here you little shit. I'm not trying to play games right now because I got no time to be playing them you fucking cunt! I have a deadline that I have to meet and if I don't meet that deadline, I'm going to be fucking dead kid. I got out of a really long jail sentence because of this, and I do not need to get fucked in the ass by some cheeky ass cunt like you! So I beg you, don't fuck around with me, you little shit, my life is in your hands and if you do not cooperate, I will fucking die! Do you understand me maggot?!" he finished, as Gon stares at him blankly.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I really can't take you seriously,"

"What?! I will end your fucking life kid!"

"Hahaha, you're funny when you're angry. You must be Leorio, but your body says otherwise...Leorio also celebrates Festivus so there's that,"

"Leorio?! That douchebag in the suit and tie all the time who wears expensive deodorant?"

"You know him?!"

"Yeah of course, it may not look like it, but I was actually one of the moderators in trick tower. You may remember me as the one who was supposed to fight Tonpa before he chickened out,"

"Oh I remember you! And don't worry about the association, let's just say that I'm also one of them and happen to have really good connections, so don't worry about them," Gon smiled, holding out his Hunter's license proudly."I doubt the association will punish you for a little misunderstanding, besides, they could direct their grievances to me or even my dad, who's a double star Hunter and could help you out if things go wrong,"

"Holy shit, you passed the exam on your first time?"

"Yep! I had some friends that helped, but here we are haha," Gon answered, looking at his card sheepishly and looking back up again. "So you got out of prison huh?"

"It's a long story and it's yes and no. Let's say I acquired some 'skills' essential to becoming a 'real' Hunter,"

"You mean nen?"

"Hey, you're not supposed to mention that, are you?"

"I could tell you learned nen by your aura. Besides, there aren't any threats in his house or this island by a long shot, so we are totally fine! What are you?"

"A Transmuter, I could manipulate my aura to imitate objects, but if you're wondering about my gut, I don't know how to explain it. It was someone hired by the association to transfer their aura and set a condition that I'm like this for the holiday. This is so if I try to fight someone, I wont be in shape enough to hurt anyone. But this nen stuff is really a pain though. I could do it, but there's just so much about it that it hurts my head thinking about it,"

"Ahh, and yeah nen is confusing. You'll get the hang of it through a lot of training and repetition, you'll get there,"

"Yep, but really, how the hell were you able to pass the third phase despite the handicap?"

"It was very tough to manage I gotta admit! After we had to wait out 50 hours, we were stuck in this on room and that had two doors: one that would of lead to the bottom of the tower in less than a few minutes, but only three out of the five of us could proceed. And the other one were all of us could pass, but it would be too late,"

"So you took the first option?"

"The second option,"

"Really?"

"Yeah, but we took a short cut. Ins-,"

"GON, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS CREEP?!" Yelled Ging, being shocked at the sight of what could be a child predator dressed as Santa trying to seduce his little boy.

"Ging! I know this guy, rela-,"

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT INVITING STRANGERS INTO THE HOME?! HE COULD BE A RAPIST FOR ALL YOU KNOW, GON!"

"...well, first off, you never told me anything-"

"ENOGUH! *sighs* I heard enough from you young man! Letting strangers into our home in the middle of the night like this is just inappropriate and inexcusable,"

"So? Even if I did, I would be able to handle myself, you know me Ging! His aura isn't even that stron-,"

"GON YOU'RE NO - ughhh, you leave me no choice...Gon, you're grounded! You're not aloud to use the internet for the rest of my stay do you understand me?!

"NO FAIR! HE BARGED INTO THE HOUSE BECAUSE HE SAYS THE ASSOCIATION SENT HIM!"

"The association? Gon, leave, this is grown up business,"

"No fair, I'm part of the association too, you can't patronize me because I'm your son,"

"Who taught you to question authority?"

"You did," Gon said, as Ging thinks back to that time he and Gon had that intimate night on top of the mountain.

* * *

"Remember Gon, no matter what, be sure to do what you want to do and not what others tell you,"

"What if it's a grown up?"

"Grown up?! What kind of pussy ass terminology is that? A vain term used by older, pathetic people to get their way instead of allowing kids to think for themselves, thus them growing up to be suppressed bastards doing what ever their higher up tells them to do even if it contradicts their own personal code of ethics. Don't be afraid to question authority Gon, because you matter as much as anyone else does, and your worth as an independent thinking shouldn't be voided because of someone's place in society. Even if it's your own father telling you what to do, your voice still matters Gon, so never let yourself be silenced just because of someone else's place in society ..."

* * *

"...and you also said that I should 'beat the living shit' out of anybody who tries to silence me,"

"Fine, just don't tell your mother any of this,"

"Mito is my mom?"

"No you little shi-! You know what I meant," Ging sighed, as he sluggishly goes over to the fridge to get a cold one out and plops his body onto the couch. "So, fat man, who in the association sent you here?"

"Partison,"

"That rat bastard Partison," Ging sneered, taking a heavy gulp out of his drink.

"Tell that asshole that I think that he's a piece of shit corrupt politician who doesn't know his place in the world,"

"Yeah, uh, sure," Bendot said shyly, unsure of how else to respond.

"He doesn't mean that, he's just being silly," Gon followed up, trying to maintain peace in the household. From there, the trio casually conversed about their adventures for about 15 minutes before he had to continue his shift. It wasn't too awkward of an encounter, things did become pleasant after a while and he left a couple of gifts on the way out.

**Author's Note:**

> Tonpa had it coming. Damn bastard!
> 
> Btw, good for you if you watched the Sprite commercial reference with LeBron James in it during the Partison flashback. Also for anyone who noticed by Big Lebowski little rug gag, that movie is a classic.


End file.
